MIXING Baking a cake
MULTI-TIMBRAL Lots of trees
SAMPLE Container of urine
LATENCY Time it takes to respond to a question
MONITORS People who gave you lines at school
NOISE GATE Similar to slamming a door
MIDI Skirt that comes down to the knee
BOTTOM END Size of derrier
TOP END Size of bra
MIDDLE Cut of bacon
PARAMETRIC 39″ high parachutist
CANS Beer containers
FOLDBACK Breed of pig
NEARFIELD Back garden
The talent of a musician is inversely proportional to the amount of gear he possesses.
The worst band in the world will always ask you what you think of their material.
The most famous band you have ever worked with will always ask you to do something it is impossible for you to do.
The only piece of equipment to go wrong is the one you need right at that moment.
Equipment that did not work yesterday miraculously works today.
Equipment that worked perfectly yesterday does not work today.
Essential supplies always run out five minutes after the nearest shop has shut.
An amazing backing track always precedes a bad singer.
Someone’s mobile phone rings in the middle of a great vocal take.
Bass players are deaf below 1 kHz.
Guitar players are deaf above 1 kHz.
Just after you have made tea a new person turns up.
Would you like some more click track in the headphones?
You couldn’t keep time even if you had a calendar.
Lets see how many voices we have used up
Can we put some stupid noises on?
One more time I think!
You might get it right in the next few months.
Do you want another go at it?
Perhaps next time you should use more loops
Sack the drummer!
We’ve got an Xbox
Why don’t you f**k off and let me get on with this mix!
I’ve heard you do better
That was crap do it again.
It will be alright on the mix
I’ll try and salvage it on the mix. OR – It’ll never be right.
Perhaps the mix should be more keyboard-orientated
Lets drown out that awful guitar playing
How are the levels in your headphones?
Do you always sing flat?
That’s the one!
That’s the best we’re going to get
We’ve got a parametric flan shifting decay synthesiser
Lets really see if you know anything about studios
Have you been together long?
It sounds like you’ve been playing together for about two minutes
Do you think it needs more top?
I’m deaf above 8Khz
When and where is your next gig?
I just want to make sure that I’m nowhere near at the time
I think we need to roll off 3db at 2 kHz with a Q of 1.6.
I know what EQ is – do you?
I think you should check the tuning
Tune up for f**ks sake
Can I have some points on your album please?
Answering the question “Do you like our material then?”
Yes it’s great, I think you stand a great chance of getting somewhere with it
You’ve got two chances of success and one barks!! But I like your shirt
A few more courtesy of Glen Philips of GPS Bolton:
Let me have a second to EQ that
Please let me switch on the autotune without you noticing
I like the way you inject your own style into that song
Can anyone tell what this song actually is anymore?
I think you over-sang that a little
It sounds like you are auctioning this song at a cattle market
That was great! just one more take so I can get the levels spot on…
Oops, I forgot to press record
You know, If you’re not 100%, then you’ll always be able to do it better next time
For f**k’s sake go home and get a lemsip!!
I need to go for a quick pee
It’s so bad I am pissing myself laughing
Shall we come back to this song at the end of the session?
Shall we come back to this song at the end of time itself?
How do you know when the drum riser is level? The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always speeds up
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in
• None, They have a machine to do that
What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once
What do you call a guy who hangs around with 4 musicians? A drummer
The bass player runs into the gig and says he has locked his keys in his car – half an hour later with the aid of a bent coat hanger they manage to get the drummer out of the car
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra. Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.” The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.” Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.” Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, “Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?” The guide turned to him and said “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.” Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: “The Drums have stopped, what happens now?” The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Bass Solo!”
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Four – one to change the light bulb and three to say how they would have done it
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Give him some sheet music
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint
A guitar player walks past a bar … well it COULD happen
What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
• None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand
• Don’t bother. Just leave it out–no one will notice
• One, but the guitarist has to show him first
• Six – one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light
Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
How do you know there is a singer at the door? They can’t find the key, knock out of time and do not know when to come in
How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
• Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get the accompanist to do it
• Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him
What’s the first thing a singer does in the morning? Puts on his clothes and goes home
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? “…hmm…I don’t know…what do you think?”
How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb? “Hey, I just do sound”
– The booking is definite
– We can fix it in the mix
– My agent will handle it
– Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
– The roadie took care of it
– The club will provide the PA and lights
– The place was packed
– Don’t worry, you’ll be the headliner
– It’s on the truck
– My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
– Someone will be there early to let you in
– I’m with the band
– The band drinks free
– You’ll get your cut tonight
– We’ll supply someone for the door
– There’ll be lots of roadies when you get there
– You’ll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
– We’ll definitely come to the gig
– You can depend on me
– It will only take 5 minutes
– I will get it next take