Would you like some more click track in the headphones?
You couldn't keep time even if you had a calendar. |
Lets see how many tracks we have used up so far?
Think can we put some stupid noises on? |
One more time I think!
You might get it right in the next few months. |
I fancy a game of pool for five minutes, any one want a game?
I need a break from this crap! |
Do you want another go at it?
Give up! |
Perhaps next time you should use a sequencer & drum machine.
Sack the drummer! |
We've got an Xbox.
Why don't you f**k off and let me get on with this mix! |
I've heard you do better.
That was crap do it again. |
It will be alright on the mix.
I'll try and salvage it on the mix. OR - It'll never be right. |
Perhaps the mix should be more keyboard orientated.
Lets drown out that crap guitar playing. |
How are the levels in your headphones
Do you always sing flat? |
That's the one!
That's the best we're going to get. |
We've got a parametric flan shifting decay synthesiser.
Lets really see if you know anything about studios. |
Have you been together long?
It sounds like you've been playing together for about two minutes. |
Do you think it needs more top?
I'm deaf above 8Khz. |
When and where is your next gig?
I just want to make sure that I'm nowhere near at the time. |
I think we need to roll off 3db at 2 kHz with a Q of 1.6.
I know what EQ is - do you? |
I think you should check the tuning.
Tune up for f**ks sake. |
F**king Brilliant
Not Bad |
Not bad
Sub-Average |
Sub-Average
Crap |
Crap
Average |
Average
Pretty good |
Pretty good
Brilliant |
Brilliant
Can I have some points on your album please? |
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And finally:
Answering the question - Do you like our material then?
Yes it's great, I think you stand a great chance of getting somewhere with it.
You've got two chances of success and one barks!! But I like your shirt.
TRY RE READING THESE AGAIN WITH THE COMMENTS THE OTHER WAY ROUND!!!! |
Here are a few more courtesy of Glen Philips of GPS Bolton: |
Let me have a second to EQ that.
Please let me switch on the autotune without you noticing. |
I like the way you inject your own style into that song
Can anyone tell what this song actually is anymore? |
I think you over-sang that a little.
It sounds like you are auctioning this song at a cattle market. |
That was great ! just one more take so I can get the levels spot on...
Oops, I forgot to press record. |
I really think you can nail it better with another take
I just taped over the first three words while attempting to remove
your coughing fit. |
You know, If you're not 100%, then you'll always be able to do it better next time.
For f**k's sake go home and get a lemsip!! |
I need to go for a quick pee.
It's so bad I am pissing myself laughing. |
Shall we come back to this song at the end of the session?
Shall we come back to this song at the end of time itself? |
Thanks Glen any more anywhere??
Drummer Jokes
How do you know when the drum riser is level? The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth.
What do you call a guy who hangs around with 4 musicians? A drummer |
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The bass player runs into the gig and says he has locked his keys in his car - half an hour later with the aid of a bent coat hanger they manage to get the drummer out of the car.
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra. Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums." Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums." Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo". |
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool .
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always speeds up.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
2. None. They have a machine to do that |
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| What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once |
Guitarist & Bassist Jokes
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? Four - one to change the light bulb and three to say how they would have done it. |
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Give him some sheet music.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
• None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
• Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
• One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
• Six - one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light
Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? |
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What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
A guitar player walks past a bar ... well it COULD happen |
Singer Jokes
How do you know there is a singer at the door? They can't find the key, knock out of time and do not know when to come in |
How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
• One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
• Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get the accompanist to do it.
• Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him.
What's the first thing a singer does in the morning? Puts on his clothes and goes home
Technicians and Others |
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How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? ...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb? "Hey, I just do sound" |
Great Lies of the Music Business
- The booking is definite.
- We can fix it in the mix.
- My agent will handle it.
- Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall.
- The roadie took care of it.
- The club will provide the PA and lights.
- The place was packed.
- Don't worry, you'll be the headliner.
- It's on the truck.
- My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album.
- Someone will be there early to let you in.
- I'm with the band.
- The band drinks free.
- You'll get your cut tonight.
- We'll supply someone for the door.
- There'll be lots of roadies when you get there.
- You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck.
- We'll definitely come to the gig.
- You can depend on me. |
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